Dudleys Diary

RESUME GEORGE W. BUSH

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam. College: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS: I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT: I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election). I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind. I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES: All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
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In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.

POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately.On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part o f life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^<>C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE : I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun? ;

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

Ole and Sven were fishing one day in Minnesota when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light."Ya, sure. I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. He reached into his tacklebox and pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long."Yumpin Yiminy!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge lighter in his hands."Vhere did yew get dat monster??""Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie in da tackle box.""You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked."Yah, sure. Right here in my tackle box," says Ole."Could I see him?"Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie in surprise, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of Ole, your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will," says the genie. Sven thinks for a moment and blurts out a request to the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears in a flash, back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens. From out of nowhere, a million ducks appear overhead and their incessant quacking fills the air. Over the roar, Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!" Ole answers, "Ya sure. I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the preacher of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was Collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the basket.

This went on for weeks until the preacher, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the Collection basket," he stated."Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The preacher replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The preacher was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?""He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the preacher said. "Where does he Practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work...

The asshole is usually in charge

thats not true, usually things are pretty boring around here. Last night was different to say the least. Dudleys daughter volunteered last night along with Dudleys wife to work at the Varsity Girls Soccer Team game in the concession stand. Dudleys daughter stayed after soccer practice (she is on the Junior Varsity Team) and was there to open up the stand with her best friends mother. Dudleys wife had not gotten there yet and Dudleys daugher was working to get ready to serve drinks and hot dogs and hamburgers and pop corn and nachos to the hungry fans. She was opening a one gallon can of nacho cheese sauce with a can opener by hand. You know the kind you turn the crank as it circles around cutting the top from the can. She had cut all the way around and lifted the top up and pushed it back. It was still attatched to the can by a small strip of metal. She got a container of some kind and was dipping it into the can and somehow in the process, she badly cut the top of her index finger where it joins to the hand. It was a deep cut and about one half inch in length. The athletic trainer was summoned with the first aid kit. He took Dudleys daughter aside and began to treat the wound. He cleaned it and stopped the blood flow. He and Dudleys daughter were both excited to see that the cut was deep and her tendon was clearly visible. Dudley would have fainted on the spot, good thing he was not there. He bandaged the wound and told Dudleys wife that if she did not want her to have a scar she might want to consider taking her to the ER for stitches. They stayed for the entire game, the Lady Cougars won and then they came home. Dudley did not learn of the incident until receiving a text message from Dudleys daughter after they got in the car. When they came home Dudleys wife and daughter were trying to decide if she should go to the ER. Dudley listened and then said I will make it easy and decide, she does need to go get it checked out. They both agreed it would probably be a good idea and they took off to the ER at the local children's hospital. Dudleys wife is not employed by the hospital, she works for the State of Texas but her office is in the hospital. She did not wear her name tag but she made sure they knew who she was at the triage desk. They got in and out of there in about two hours which is pretty fast. It is a good thing I told them to go as the doctor who looked at it said the cut was so deep it would never have healed on its own without stitches. The doctor said the tendon was just nicked but would be fine. Apparently doctors don't do the sewing any more. That duty was given to a paramedic that did the dirty work. Dudleys wife said she did not even flinch when they gave her the shot of Novacaine. She is tough like that unlike her father, Dudley is a big wimp when it comes to needles and such.

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before

$2, 000.00 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.

I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

we are getting around here. I don't think the high temperature got much above freezing yesterday. Where is all of that Global Warming I keep hearing about? Sure could use some of that about now. It was so cold yesterday they cancelled Dudley's daughters soccer game. I use to love cold weather, it invigorated me. Not anymore, I suppose it is due to my having muscular dystrophy. This after all is a muscle wasting disease and it just seems that the muscle I have lost used to insulate my bones from the cold but not anymore. Now in the winter time it seems I am always cold to some degree. I am ready for spring time and the summer weather. I can take the heat better than the cold. At least as long as the AC is working.

Changing the subject, could someone please explain to me how a teenagers brain works again? Dudleys son who is away at college started the spring semester last week. I had communicated him briefly via text message earlier in the week. He has a brand new cell phone we bought for him during the Christmas break. Over the three day weekend we had tried to call him to check on him and ask about all of his new classes. His phone appeared to be turned off and he was not returning repeated messages. By Monday night, Dudleys wife was about to lose it, and was letting her imagination run wild. I called and talked to one of his friends from high school and he said he had not spoken to him in nearly a week and that he had been trying to call him as well. I then became worried and called the campus police and explained the situation. The lady I spoke with was very nice and said they would send an officer over to his dorm to check on him. We got a call from a campus police officer about thirty minutes later. He said I have your son here, he is fine, I will let you speak with him. Frank said he was ok and that he had dropped his new cell phone and it had quit working. I let him know it would have been nice if he had called or sent us an email. Apparently the thought never crossed his mind.

No wonder my hair is turning gray.